After working with thousands of parents and their children of all ages over the past 20 years, I have discovered that they benefit greatly from learning the “how to’s” of Emotional Intelligence. As each developmental milestone is reached in a baby/child’s life, these techniques can smooth the transitions, resulting in emotionally happier families.

Research shows that if new parents start off using techniques designed to develop their child’s innate emotional skills, many future psychological and behavioral problems can be prevented. As with teaching a child to read, there will be steady progress and many rewards along the way. There is a large body of research on this topic, including the following.
Emotional intelligence can be broken down into five domains:

* a) knowing one’s emotions,
* b) managing emotions,
* c) motivating oneself,
* d) recognizing emotions in others, and
* e) handling relationships. *

* Melanie Richburg and Teresa Fletcher Emotional Intelligence: Directing a Child’s Emotional Education

To this list, I would add f) Learning from feelings, and applying new problem-solving skills to handle emotions.

Research shows us that each baby is born with a specific and unique potential for all the components of Emotional Intelligence. What the research also tells us is that many parents are not aware that their kids’ inborn potential can be greatly enhanced or undermined by parenting style. And even if they know that improvement is possible, most parents are not taught the best ways teach these emotional intelligence -Time-In skills.
Parents’ intention is to raise great kids, and research shows that emotionally healthy children:

* Are better learners
* Have fewer behavior problems
* Feel better about themselves
* Are better able to resist peer pressure
* Are less violent and more empathetic
* Are better at resolving conflicts
* Are less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior (drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy)
* Have more friends
* Have better impulse control, and are better able to delay gratification
* Are happier, healthier and more “successful”

You can read more about the findings of Daniel Goleman and others here: http://eqi.org/eidefs.htm
Next Post : Teaching Emotional Intelligence to babies

Email or Dm me @listentomepleas for help in a consultation on how to teach your baby/toddler/preschooler Emotional Intelligence

By Ava Parnass – Ava Parnass, a.k.a. “The Kid Whisperer,” is an author, songwriter and child therapist who specializes in marrying Entertainment, Emotional Intelligence i.e. Time-In not Time-Out for kids. Ms Parnass helps kids figure out how they feel through playing, talking, listening,reading, singing and dancing. Her multi-media materials, books and songs encourage parents and kids to read and sing along, in the process learning how awareness of feelings “Emotional Intelligence” improves problems and behavioral issues. Website: http://listentomeplease.com/ Blog: http://owl.li/72k8s Twitter: @ListenToMePleas
Originally on site

I put my toddler to bed screaming his head off every. single. night. Is this normal? We have a nice calming routine, but still have fits.

Bedtime Battles take place in most homes with young children. We’ve all been through, the ritual: One more story, one more sip, one more trip to the potty, crying hysterically every time we leave the room. We can’t escape it, but understanding and breaking the code of what your child’s behavior means underneath can smooth out developmental transitions.

It’s very hard for children to “let go” of their grown-ups at night. Each “goodnight” seems like “goodbye forever”  at this age. We need to put ourself in their little shoes .They’re still unsure that they’ll wake up and their parent will be there. Monsters seem real, and the darkness appears mysterious and frightening,even if they tell us its not scary, it is.The Towel on the dresser could be a monster ,the ceiling fan a witch.

Often, what is most helpful is to process the events and feelings of the day with your child.

As a parent its important to be a detective to figure out what your child is feeling.  And  ideally if you have not already started Time-In Positive Parenting now is a good time to begin.

By thinking about what your child is saying with their crying & help them put the feelings into words bedtimes will be come easier. Many aspects of  Parenting can be  playful games  with your child. A Time -Out   concept of  saying “go to sleep now” or else you wont play with your friend tomorrow  , or leaving them hysterical in their room  may work for the short term but it doesn’t work in the long run cause your child isn’t learning any new skills.

Unexpressed feelings constantly disguise themselves in your child’s behavior. For example, maybe they missed you during the day, or an argument occurred on a playdate. These events can exacerbate normal separation anxiety, intensifying and prolonging the bedtime battles.

And readers before you argue with me how could they miss you, you spent all day with them ,or nothing happened you  were with them..They could miss you anyway and something did happen….Keep in mind that what hurts a childs feelings is different than what hurts ours.

Did you know: creating a Feelings Ritual to accompany your other Bedtime Rituals will help ease night time fears. Just a few minutes each day spent processing your child’s emotional ups and downs can help them develop healthy skills that will serve them well throughout life.

Creating A Feelings Ritual for Bedtime starts with practicing it during daytime hours way before bed time. Role play with dolls or trucks. As a parent you need to be a detective as to which feelings are being expressed by the crying or  procrastinating bedtime behavior and put the feelings into words.

Role-play whatever transition your child is going through! It helps your child process their fears and feelings bit by bit. Even if you can’t see the results  immediately that doesn’t mean it’s not working. Most parents give up too soon, which is understandable. Many books forget to mention that it might take months or a year or more of role-playing to calm a child’s fears. So start talking about the feelings, and continue to role-play, even if you can’t see the benefits now. Valuable progress is being made that will become clear in the long term.

You know your child best. These techniques might work best before getting into bed, or once they’re under the covers. The following are several suggestions that might calm your child down.

Here are some questions that you can ask during daytime role playing and then again at night:

Your child will answer I don’t know or not answer at all,they are too young but the choices you give them are  laying the groundwork for future social emotional skills.

When you address the  correct Feelings (plural) you will notice a change in behavior a calming down.

“Do you feel like it’s hard to say goodnight?”

(Parent then says: I know it could be hard to say goodnight,feels like forever, I will see you in the morning!

“Do you feel like it’s hard when I leave you or when  you leave me?”

(I Know it could be hard  when I leave you) (lets put my picture on your night stand and a night light) I will see you in the morning,lets have a long hug that will last all night.

“Do you feel like we had enough time together today?

(Im sorry if we didn’t  have enough time, maybe you missed me,but tomorrow we can play some more) Young children dont fully develop  object constancy(that you will return) till age 3.

“Did something happen today that’s on your mind, or that hurt your feelings?”

Like when your sister took your toy

“Is it hard to stop having fun and go to sleep?”

Are there things in the room that scare you,dont believe or assume they are not afraid.

Say feeling scared is a hard feeling but let me help you with that.

Lets use a night light,use dreamcatcher,read the book there’s a nightmare in my closet.

Reassurances:

“I’ll see you in the morning, and we’ll have lots of hugs and kisses.”

“We can dream about all the fun things we’ll do together.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t spend enough time together today. We can do more tomorrow.”

“That’s hard when your friend hurts your feelings.”

“It’s hard to share your toys and your grown-ups’ time with others.”

At first they will still cry, and you will feel discouraged but as you continue to address the feelings it will work! It has worked for last 20 years I have been practicing and with my kids.

Be on the lookout for subtle signs such as body language that communicate relief and acknowledgement. Your child may not be able to articulate their feelings fully yet , or at all, at this point, but you’re laying the groundwork for emotional health. One last point , it may take a week or two or a month to work! Children generally need time to learn new skills , especially putting themselves to sleep. For question or private video consultation e mail me. You can also  pre-order new Time-In Parenting book, that will answer many of your questions.
If reading fails you can e mail me, I do sleep training for babies and toddlers using emotional Intelligence techniques.

How to Enhance and Build the Emotional IQ of Your Child

Dont miss out on moms support group, come once come often, bring your questions to solve .

So exciting what we learned last few weeks for babys & toddlers

How to leave park & playdate without meltdown
Why baby’s appetite may change what it means
How to play with new baby & toddler
How to use feelings words instead of hitting
Practice sharing using feelings words
We practiced Positive parenting instead of no
Why chiropracter can help babys reflux & earaches & allergys
How not to feed for every cry, understand what baby is communicating without words
How to use feelings words when weaning bottle or breast feeding.
Tips How to help your child sleep thru the night and nap
How to enhance milestones

By Ava Parnass, MSN C.S. Family and Child Psychotherapist, Author and Songwriter. http://listentomeplease.com

On Next Group Mon April 30,May 14 and June 4  395 Amsterdam Ave  corner 79 New York, NY 10024

Join us and please comment and tell us what you would like to learn. And you can enter a contest tell us why you want to Win a free spot to attend the next Moms support Group to Build Emotional IQ of Toddler.

Best  parenting question about what you would like to learn wins..hint see and comment  below

Sponsored by Classic Kids Photo(receive a 100 free gift for attending this workshop,towards photo shoot or prints ) http://www.classickidsphotography.com/   Join the meet-up here http://www.meetup.com/UWSmoms/events/51824662/ Then sign up for  class.

Or Email us for paypal payment address. Ava.ListenToMePlease@gmail.com

The workshops have been amazing ,great group of moms and kids.
Thanks to the families that invited me to visit and do home consultations.

In this one hour workshop with Parent / Caregiver and baby or child you will have fun & discover through play and talk various techniques to enhance and understand your child’s emotional development.

If you want to create a workshop at your home with your friends  or on a monday at classic kids let me know!

Some of the things we talk about  are below ,plus you can tell us what is important to you !

How to start your Parenting off on the right foot according to latest research of what works best for kids

How to understand what your child or baby is communicating with their eyes, smile and body

How to become a feelings detective Begin positive parenting techniques (time in not time out)

Showing not telling ,How you are your childs best toy

Develop your parenting muscle ,How to  wean your child from the bottle with Emotional Intelligence techniques

What to do instead of saying no all the time, How to handle crying when leaving the park , or not wanting to get in stroller.

The cost is 20.00 per parent/child  Ava Parnass MSN,CS Website http://listentomeplease.com/ Blog http://owl.li/72k8s Twitter: @ListenToMePleas http://bit.ly/mQFFzK Feeling Town Video: Kids Talk It Out http://owl.li/8BqoM YouTube Channel http://owl.li/8Bqv5

Classic Kids Photography http://www.classickidsphotography.com/   http://www.meetup.com/UWSmoms/events/51824662/

Join Classic Kids Photography on  upper west side

Saturday May 12

Located at 395 Amsterdam ave corner of 79

Have fun with the kids at this  awesome

Beautiful space,amazing photos,

Moms be in the picture for a change!  Talented fun folks,

 In need of a Mother’s Day gift?  Say Ava sent you, print this out . Come to Classic Kids Upperwest Side, Saturday May 12th for Mother’s Day Mini Sessions! Contact them to book your session today, space is limited! Look at these amazing photos

http://classickidsupperwest.wordpress.com/

WRITE A REVIEW IF YOU HAD THE SAME FANTASTIC EXPERIENCE WE DID!!!
http://www.yelp.com/biz/classic-kids-upper-west-manhattan

(212) 307-1703 for General Dentistry, Crowns and Teeth Whitening/Cleaning .

After we eat, the acidity in our mouth rises. This acidity is what has the capacity to weaken the enamel of our teeth and can make us susceptible to tooth. The acid levels can demineralize the teeth in certain areas, generally between the teeth, in the grooves of the teeth where food gets stuck, and along the gumline. Once this happens the enamel is less dense and a cavity can start to form. Our own saliva is the natural antidote to this and within about half an hour after we finish eating the PH level of our mouth returns to a more neutral level.

Knowing this we can understand both what to eat and how to space meals and snacks to reduce both our own and our children’s risk of developing tooth decay.

By applying a few simple principles we can drastically reduce the discomfort and expense involved in having to treat cavities.

So here we go:

1. Let there be a clear beginning and ending of eating meals and snacking. If possible have your child stop what they are doing briefly and sit down to eat their meal or snack. When meal or snack time or over do not have them continue to nibble on things or to sip juice while doing other things. It is great to have water available for your child to drink. It is only the continuous presence of food or juice in ones’ mouth that keeps the acid levels from going down. If the saliva does not have a chance to balance the acid levels, the teeth are much more susceptible to developing caries (cavities).

2. Try to eat snacks that do not stick to the teeth. The less time that food sticks to the biting surfaces of the teeth after eating, the less the possibility of the enamel starting to become weakened. This is why an apple, fresh mango, or carrots are better than a sticky or gummy snack. Separate from the nutritional content, they simply do not get stuck in the grooves in the same way. Even if your child is going to have something more sweet or sticky, it is valuable to start with something like a fruit or vegetable because this can sometimes mean eating less of the other type of snacks. The other possibility (although possibly less tempting for children) is to finish with a fruit or vegetable because this can remove some of the stickier material from the teeth.

3. Finally make helping brush your children’s teeth part of their bedtime ritual, and don’t forget to brush and floss yourself before you fall asleep.

Comment below and Retweet @listentomepleas and @DrEdenWofsey for 60.00 dollars off teeth cleaning or whitening

Dr. Wofsey is a meticulous, caring and highly skilled practitioner who has been practicing dentistry in the New York area for more than 20 years. She received her Doctor of Medical Dentistry Degree from Fairleigh Dickinson School of Dentistry in 1989, and her practice has been at its current location since 2004.

Dr. Wofsey is adept at finding the most efficient and effective solutions for treating large and difficult cases. She has excellent technical skills and a very good aesthetic sense. She is especially skilled at crown and bridge (prosthodontic) treatment and cosmetic We use the only the highest quality materials and equipment in our office, and certified dental laboratories fabricate our restorations dentistry. Dr. Wofsey’s calm and reassuring manner can put even the most anxious patient at ease!

We need to teach them that even if they don’t agree with someone else’s opinion they need to listen respectfully and depending on the situation either keep their opinion to themselves or speak up.

Its up to us the parents to teach our  children  to disagree nicely and practice how to do it. We can help them by creating  hypothetical situations that can happen. For example, start with something simple – have your child speak up about something you asked them to do, ‘I know you want me to get dressed before reading, but can I read for 5 min then get dressed?” Learning to speak up and speak your mind the right way can take a lifetime so  it’s  really great to teach kids those skills early in life. It’s about knowing how to listen, acknowledge the other persons point of view and then give their own opinion.

For some children the most obvious choice is for them to agree as they don’t want to upset the other person by disagreeing. However, by not saying anything at all they are essentially agreeing and possibly compromising themselves. If your child would like to speak up and voice their opinion then ask them why they aren’t doing so right now? What is stopping them? Give  them possible choices of why they are not speaking up. Children are not born knowing how they feel or the right words to say things. They need to be taught. Ask, are they afraid they will get in trouble or are they worried that no one else will agree with what they have said? Do they feel speaking up is wrong? What is the worst that can happen?

We need to help children learn that there are opinions and facts . Facts are generally proven by science and research . Opinions are just that – they are thoughts of other people  have with  different experiences, that  give us different perspectives on life. Having a respectful discussion and adding your thoughts can be interesting. You are sharing views and quite possibly learning something new about other people.

Check in with your child on the topic of voicing an opinion,  have they been in a situation where they where afraid to speak up or they spoke up and got knocked down.

Let us know what you have tried and what interesting discussion you had.  What do you think your child would be more likely to do in this situation?

Thanks Naomi for great guest post and very interesting topic suggestion.

Naomi discusses this and other child and parent related topics in her book, ‘The Parents Toolkit’ available from Amazon. Naomi Richards, also known as The Kids Coach, is a life coach for children from the age of 6 years old and provides coaching for them on any behavioral and emotional issue that they have. Naomi  works face to face with children and runs workshops for and  is part of the 3 Counties Radio parenting and families show and writes for parenting, teenage and women’s magazines.  Read More http://www.thekidscoach.org.uk/

I know its hard to believe but the last few years I have looked forward to going to the dentist, weird right. So if you live in NYC try them. http://www.gentledentistnyc.com/

And here’s why: I am lucky to have found two of the most talented Dentist in NYC, that in fact look forward to the visits.
I know you must be thinking  what is she nuts? I look forward to the visits despite the fact that I needed surgery, implants and various crowns etc.

The first reason is the most obvious they are talented, talented and more talented. They care about patients and take their time and talk to you and hear your concerns.
Their work is beyond excellent and I have been to many many dentists over the years!
And I know extraordinary talent when I see it.

The second reason is a added benefit, like a luxury item.  I love to learn new things and new information and every time I go, I learn something interesting.
Its like taking a class in addition to talented dental work.
Today I learned
Most folks grind their  teeth when they sleep probably half the population, I learned  there is a new device less expensive ,less ugly less cumbersome than the old ones I can get.
I learned about new laser surgery that can be used sometimes instead of knife depending on amount of tissue on a tooth.
I learned of herbal medicine thats good to relax jaw for TMJ and teeth grinding and restless leg syndrome.
I learned about soda tonic that can help too with teeth grinding by relaxing the muscles.
And I just love how the two dentist collaborate on my case to make my
teeth look and function beautifully:)

So run dont walk to Dr Wofsey (212) 307-1703 for Crowns and General Dentistry ,Teeth Whitening and Dr Lopinto 212 581-6767 for implants and any kind of teeth related surgery .

I was having dinner the other night with some old friends with some grown kids (age 20 and 22). I hear both kids say, “Mom, stop with the faces.” I was taken aback and said to myself “Oh, my god. My child is 10 and she just recently said the same thing,when were discussing something I was unsure about.

I fast forwarded another 10 years and thought of 10 years worth of her saying “Mom, stop with the faces.” So, I am not a parent who yells or uses time-outs. I ask her what she is feeling when she forgets her homework or she is not cooperative. I teach emotional intelligence and I set limits but I am not harsh.

So what is it with the faces, I have been working on it since she said it that one time and since the dinner. So far she said I get an A- at making faces .

Please write about your experience with this I would like to hear  more about what others go through about this.

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpp/health/Ads-Tackle-Childhood-Obesity-20110822-pm-pk  I imagine  many parents  are starting to rethink how to approach the childhood obesity problem. I applaud what they are trying to do and yes parents need to hear how badly kids feel. However as a child clinician with a sub specialty in childhood obesity  although the video does address what I hear all the time, I think the video is shaming kids and doesn’t really educate parents and kids how to respond emotionally to those really hard feelings in a helpful way.

Its  great that strong for life is trying to increase awareness of Healthy eating and activity it is much needed and helpful. However there are better Emotionally Intelligent Time-In ways of helping children in the process.
In addition as with all the obesity programs in last 10 years they are continuing  to ignore or not understand  the Emotional component and Food Mood connection in regards to overeating.

All the hard work with these kids and families and money and time spent  will not have the impact everyone is  aiming for.
Denial is powerful defense and at first no one wanted to admit there is an obesity epidemic. Now no one wants to admit the emotional addiction component. I wrote a song about it called stinkin thinkin about denial http://bit.ly/e4uI6U.

Strong for Life ,obesity educators ask me for a copy of my Book My Feelings are Hungry, I am happy to share the knowledge as we have the same mission! http://amzn.to/gYyvJo

I wrote the book to help families teach Emotional Intelligence to their children which helps break the food mood connection. It would be great book to use for  program on how to talk to kids in a helpful way .Here is  show I created as an example  http://owl.li/8BqoM ” Welcome to Feeling Town. ”

Most Childhood Overeating & Obesity clinicians dont understand and know how to address the emotional component of childhood obesity to find true solutions. You can also down load and buy 24 tips for Healthy Feelings =Healthy Eating http://listentomeplease.com/books  . In addition lets not forget the family dynamics that contribute to obesity.

I am a child and family psychotherapist for 20 years with a sub specialty in child obesity. Every one is afraid of the underlying emotions that make kids and families overeat. In a recent  post, I posted about emotional issues and everyone continued to post about food. Its the number one addiction in the USA. Hard to find solutions when you are looking in the wrong place. You can find me on twitter @listentomepleas here on my website and  youtube http://owl.li/8Bqv5

I have worked with 100′s of families who had  overeating/overweight issues . From clinical experience, I know that without addressing the emotional component of any childhood ailment, true solutions will remain out of reach.

Most parents think they can have it all — and do it all well. However, the rise in childhood obesity and the troubling psychiatric statistics demonstrate that our kids are suffering because their needs are not being met. They often turn to acting out and/or medicating their feelings with food.

• The good news is that I have developed easy and effective ways to do better, and help our kids. I have had great success with kids and families in 20 years of practice, and have created many innovative techniques that have a dramatic positive impact on behavior and  I share these techniques in my books and songs.

My vision is to raise awareness of the psychological factors that contribute to obesity, despite everyone’s fears about the emotional component. Knowledge is power, and without knowledge of how feelings contribute to acting out and overeating, behavior can’t change. While it’s true that kids have too much fast food, too much homework and not enough recess or physical activity, these problems cannot be solved without dealing with the underlying emotional issues. For example we  need to get rid of the heroin coming across and the border and all the unhealthy food but taking away the supply doesn’t help  the addict deal with psychological and physical manifestations of the addiction.

Most people go into parenting — the most important job in the world — with little or no training. The most important thing a parent can do is teach their children how to regulate their emotions so they’re not driven to overeat. This essential skill does not happen on its own. I help parents and kids understand and learn how to express how they feel. These Feelings Skills lead to positive changes in behavior and the formation of healthy habits that last a lifetime.

Excerpt from Two New Manuscripts in progress “My Feelings Are Hungry” (adult version) and second book “Time-In Not Time -Out” with (Dr Lynne Kenney http://www.lynnekenney.com  And Wendy Young  http://www.kidlutionsppa.blogspot.com ) and myself Ava Parnass

Once a baby or young  child (or an adult) gets in the habit of eating because they don’t know how they feel, or to hide their emotions, they have made the food-mood connection. The eating just covers up how the child really feels about his or her life, relationships, activities, friends, school and more. The eating also keeps the child from looking for new solutions and really solving the problems in a healthier way. Figuring out the underlying feelings and talking about them helps your child grow into a teen and young adult who can process how he or she feels rather than one who eats for comfort.
Help your child recognize the food-mood connection by pointing out the difference between physical and emotional hunger. We teach our children to walk, talk and read. If we also teach them to recognize and express their feelings effectively, they won’t need to medicate their emotional needs with food, drugs or other behaviors.

Things to say:

“I notice that you’re really hungry.” Are your Feelings Hungry or is your Tummy Hungry, I know its hard to tell the difference?  If they’re begging, try saying this: “I notice you’re asking for a lot of snacks right now. It makes me wonder if something is bothering you.” I wonder what you really need? Some hugs some kisses or me  listening to you?
•    “Did something happen today?” When they answer, “Nothing” or “I don’t know,” which is not unusual, accept that as the truth. Most kids are not adept at expressing their feelings in language only in behavior and overeating.. Take out the feeling town map at the back of the book “My Feelings Are Hungry” this will help give kids choices as to what might be  wrong. Its always a series of events. Another fun idea is to dance and sing to learn about emotions with the song “My Feelings Are Hungry”

Even if introducing the idea is  as far as you get at first, at least you’ve started the conversation about the connection between perceived hunger and emotional states such as sadness, hurt, anger, anxiety and fear. At first, children usually need to be given choices of possible feelings to help them learn to identify them.

Its a surprise to most parents that feelings could get hungry?   My Feelings are Hungry is the first book to ever address some of the key emotional issues that make kids want to eat more  . My Feelings are Hungry can help win the  fight against childhood obesity, in helping everyone understand that underneath all behaviors are un-resolved feelings!

If parents devote even 5 minutes a day to their children’s emotional health using the Feeling Town Map at the Back of the Book “My Feelings Are Hungry”, the result will be positive changes in behavior,  attitude and overeating.

The Book http://amzn.to/gYyvJo and Song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w29tR1VMbs  My Feelings Are Hungry helps parents and kids  fight the obesity epidemic by understanding feelings not fighting or restricting food. (Of course Healthy eating and exercise are two of the other  most important tools in the fight against childhood obesity!)
Join Ava Parnass, a.k.a. “The Kid Whisperer,” author, songwriter and child therapist  who specializes in marrying Entertainment, Emotional Intelligence and Time-In not Time-Out parenting for kids. Ms Parnass helps kids figure out how they feel through playing, talking ,listening,reading, singing and dancing so behavior improves!

24 Tips for Healthy-Feelings=Healthy-Eating, My Feelings R Hungry  Written by Ava Parnass
To buy the Downloadable pdf for $2.00 click the Download button here http://listentomeplease.com/books

Next Post How to help your kids and what to say ,when they say “Mommy I am Fat”